Who am I?

My life has been a whirlwind for many years. Can anyone out there relate? Let me know if you can. I would like to know if others out there have lives filled with chaos or if it is just me.

Seriously, a caregiver to two, not one, but two elderly parents which is pretty much 24/7. Yeah, I get a chance, most times, to get out and ride my bike. Run a few errands and I mean very few with COVID running rampant. But for the most part, I am here, in the house 24/7 now.

Working from home has been a blessing and a curse. Honestly though, it is more blessing. I always dreamed of being able to work from home when I was younger. I just never thought it would come with the need to be with my parents.

Caregiving comes with a cost. Here me when I say I would not trade it for anything as it allows me to be with my parents and care for them. But there is a cost, and the cost is high. That cost is the loss of one’s own life.

When you are a full-time caregiver, you give your life away. You cook, clean, do wound care, help with dressing, walking, medications, errand running, finances, and managing a household all by yourself. Now, many people have others to help them, but I do not. I have a few trusted friends, whom without, my family and I would have never made it through the first year of COVID. But for the most part, I am alone.

It’s not easy asking for help either. People say, “Just call me.” But I feel as if I am imposing or taking advantage of a friendship. When I do reach out, it feels awkward. Other times, the people just disappear, and you do not hear from them again. That is when you really know who cares about you and who does not.

I know God’s Word calls for believers to watch out, care, and help our brothers and sisters. But our society is not geared that way. There are a few good souls out there, but many times people have their own issues, their own needs, and often want to be left alone.

The apostle Paul really stressed that the body of the church watch out for one another. He talks about it in almost all, if not every book he wrote. Check it out. Philippians 2:4, 1 Thessalonians 5:11, and Galatians 6.2 are just a few examples. Openbible.info has over 100 Scripture verses that you can read for yourself. You can find them at https://www.openbible.info/topics/caring_for_others

Jesus was serious about us helping each other. When we help others, we are interacting with God. Read Matthew 25: 35-40, “For I was hungry, and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty, and you gave me something to drink, "I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick, and you looked after me, I was in prison, and you came to visit me.” This is serious. This is what He wanted from the body of Christ, to care for one another, to love one another just as we love ourselves. When we care for others, we are demonstrating the qualities and traits of Jesus.

Caring for others is not easy and it is not for everyone. As I said, it comes with a high cost in most cases. Are there other caregivers out there? Is there someone who cares for a mom, dad, brother, sister, aunt, uncle, son, daughter, or significant other? Do you know what I am talking about here?

I fought this for many years. I did not give up my life willingly but struggled with it. During that struggle I hurt innocent people. I did not understand the fight that was going on inside me. I wanted to follow my dreams and ambitions. Everyone thinks I am such a saint for caring for my parents, but they do not know everything I have struggled with and the anger and depression that came with it.

I gave up going to church. This included leading worship, livestreaming services, and other ministry opportunities. I rarely get to go out with a friend or two unless it is for a lunch. I cannot plan anything. A medical emergency can occur, and it has, at any time. I cannot tell you how many times I have been woke up in the middle of the night because I was needed. Talking about restless nights and having a pit in your stomach most times.

I never had the opportunity to live out on my own. Never had the opportunity to have a husband and family, much less boyfriend. I never got to travel or see the world. No, I have been watching over my parents for a very long time.

For years I spent my time and money making sure they had vacations. I bought them Cincinnati Reds season tickets for several years, giving them the opportunity to get out. I did my best to see they had opportunities that they would not have had on their own. Then, I became a full time caregiver to my mom in 2014 and my dad shortly after.

My personal life, dreams, desires, work life, mental health and physical health have all suffered. I am no longer the same person I was when I first became a caregiver to my parents. I have lost who I am. If you were to ask me to describe myself, I would tell you that I am a nurse, a caregiver, cook, finance manager, housekeeper, driver, appointment scheduler, and so on. I cannot even put daughter in there because I have forgotten how to be a daughter. I am a POA and advocate.

I will fight for my parents with my last breath. But as for me, I no longer know who I am. Sometimes, I find myself hanging on to what little is left of me. But who am I? I fear for when this all ends as I no longer know who I am. I am an extension of my parents. My parents world is my world. I have no place of my own much less know who I am. I do know that I am an unhappy and angry person searching for an emotional relief from my own self.

Again, I would not give up this opportunity to be with my parents during the last part of their journey on this earth, but this stuff is hard. I watch as they lose more and more abilities every day. The routine things they did around the house, they can no longer do. Each day, I take over more and more of the activities they once did. I am one person carrying the weight of three.

But we do God’s work when we care for others. We honor our mother and father by being there for them, just like they were there for us. Even if they weren’t there for us when we were growing up, its still honoring God and them by taking care of them when they are in need. It is biblical. It is God’s will.

Becoming a caregiver is transforming. It’s not easy. It is painful. Many emotions come from it. A lot of those emotions are not good or pleasant. I have said and did many hurtful things over the past 7 years as a full-time caregiver to my parents. Losing more and more of myself each day. But it is what I am called to do.

Thankfully, school is now over. I only have my parents, my full-time job, our dog, and this entire house and finances to manage. Every day is transformational. Sadly, I fail many days. Often, many times in one day. But I will hold onto Jesus and walk the path that He has given me. Counting my blessings through all my failures and so grateful for His grace, mercy, and forgiveness.

Peace,

Janet