What is Happening to Me? I Feel Change Coming.

It’s been two weeks since my last post. I try to post weekly, but I just didn’t feel like it. I didn’t feel as if I was led to share anything. I had ideas lined up but I just didn’t feel moved to write.

I wondered if my time to blog was coming to an end. Was I too tired? Too loaded down with things that need to be done? I don’t know. I just know I did not feel directed to write. So, I waited.

Then it came. A thought in my mind in the early morning hours. That thought was this. I’m changing.

I have been out of school now since August. It has taken a long time for me to calm down. I am not saying I am totally calm, but I can do things now like smile. I wasn’t smiling much lately. In fact, I was one tight knitted ball of stress.

It’s not that graduate school was hard. In fact, the last four courses were the best ever. Why? Because they were projected based, and it gave me a chance to develop skills and programs for OJM. Yes, they were a ton of work, but it was enjoyable work. But added onto caring for two elderly parents, working full time, and caring for a house all by myself, the added stress did not help, and it was to the point of overwhelming. No matter how enjoyable it was.

But here I sit. I find myself wondering what I am going to do with the hours that were once allotted to school. I look around me and every room is a disaster. Clutter is everywhere. Chaos reigns supreme. I

have a lot of work all around me. Each room and project screaming for my attention. I can’t say that I am bored. I am just recovering.

Yes, there is a recovery time that comes with ending grad school. A time to breathe and find oneself again. Many things were left go during grad school. My personal self was one of them. You become one with the grad school and what you are studying. Just as you become one with those you care for. Even work takes a part of who you are. I had already lost a great deal of myself caring for my parents. What little was left of me succumbed to the classes that I took.

But school is over now, and I am in recovery. It feels good, honestly. I am beginning to loosen up. Laugh at times and even smile. I am enjoying talking to my neighbor more. Able to give people more of my attention. I still have a lot of catching up with friends and family but the thought of that places stress on me. It makes me feel uncomfortable.

It is not the catching up that makes me feel uncomfortable but the amount of time and commitment to do so. I am not ready for that yet. I want time for me. I want some freedom. I want to be able to make the choices that I want for me.

I feel my body craving peace. Sadly, the peace I do experience, does not last long. Have you ever felt that way? Craving peace? Please, let me know if you have. I love it when people share their stories. I wonder if anyone ever feels like I do.

I do believe I will be in this transition for a while. My life is rarely stable. I never know when one of my parent’s health conditions is going to change or an emergency may pop up. But I am really enjoying the sense of peace that has been developing over the past couple of weeks. Mostly, in this past week.

My rickety old pool has been put to bed for the winter thanks to the help of my neighbor. The darn thing almost took me out with a walnut that fell over 30 feet. It grazed my head as it thwacked down on the float I was on. Seriously, there was no room to spare. It landed right next to the left side of my face. I could have been killed!

Now there is more time for guitar playing and riding my bike. In fact, I bought a new guitar. I have always wanted a Hummingbird, so I got one. I have even thought about reading a book. A real book, not a schoolbook or research based.

I am tired of putting off things. When you are sick or are dealing with a health issue, you never know when it might be your last day. Now, this is true for everyone. You don't need to be sick. But something happens when you go through a scare like that. For me, I'm not going to wait anymore. I want to buy what I want now and not wait. Tomorrow may never come.

I am trying to be more mindful of life's moments. I have bought a bunch of trees, bushes, and flowers. I have not done this in almost twenty years. I have a desire to add more green and color to the front and back yard. I have really neglected them over the years. Just letting things go. But its time to expand and bring vibrance into the yard. It brings me peace.

I planted two Colorado Spruces a couple of weeks ago and something called a cypress of some sort. I did it myself. I measured the area, dug out the hole, stuck them in, and then mulched them. Me. I did it. It felt good. I could not move for several days after.

I have someone coming out to help plant the rest of the trees and bushes. Being able to move on a daily basis is important to me and worth paying a few dollars to prevent permanently injuring myself. I had the experience[JG1] but I have 11 more plants to get into the ground. It’s safer this way.

Noticing Bad Behavior

Now that things have lightened up, I have more time to reflect on things. I have known that my behavior had gotten way out of control lately. It is certainly nothing that I am proud of, but I also have noticed that when I am totally stressed or caught up in just trying to survive and keep everyone alive, I take no prisoners. Not even those I love. I can be very mean and cruel, being just to tired and aggravated to care.

My filters become non-existent. Do you know what I mean by filters? Let me give you an example. A filter is where you know something is wrong, but you do it anyway. You know it is wrong to cuss in public or say something to deliberately hurt someone but yet you do it anyway and you do not care. Feeling no remorse whatsoever.

My filters were no longer in place, and I did not care. This is a huge warning flag when it comes to being able to control one’s behavior or actions. When filters become low or non-existent, bad things will happen.

I knew I had reached my limit. Parents, medical issues, house issues, tree and neighbor issues, work issues, school issues, my own health issues, and anything else that came my way, all pushing me over the edge to the point I could no longer cope. I had fallen off the edge at one point and it was not pretty.

I had gotten caught up in a lot of things that were zapping my attention and my strength. Draining me and hurting those I love. My path of spiritual formation had turned the wrong way and was taking a dangerous path away from God. But He saved me.

School is now finished. By His grace, I made it through. Most of my health issues have settled down and I pray they only get better. Work appears stable. I have received good news on the tree front. God has provided an expert witness and the lawyer is advancing forward.

I have decided to step back from many of the actions that plagued my mind in regard to my neighbor and simply concentrate on promoting growth within my yard. Filling it with trees, bushes, and colorful flowers. Mom’s health is still fluctuating as she is now wearing a heart monitor for several weeks. Dad still struggles to breathe and is losing weight, but I can do the best I can, watch, and wait. He does not want to leave the house due to COVID and I can’t really blame him.

Since my own heart issue, I am looking at things differently. Each day is more valuable than it was to me before. Each bike ride is a chance to engulf myself in the wind, sites, and sounds. Losing myself into the atmosphere, becoming part of it.

Yes, I feel the change. The change that is occurring in me. I no longer want to feel the pressures of everyday life but want to take care of me. Concentrate on me. Play my guitar. Ride my bike. Play with my dog. Love my parents. Buy things that I want to buy. Does that sound selfish? It probably does but I have given years of my life away.

I have lost so much in the way of my own spiritual formation, my relationship with God, my own development. I have lost in the way of relationships. Just because my parents are here with me 24/7 does not mean I have a great relationship.

I am a nurse, a caregiver, a cook, a housekeeper, a finance manager, and chauffeur. My relationship as daughter died years ago. I don’t even know what that means anymore. I have no idea how a parent – daughter relationship is supposed to look anymore. Can someone share with me how they relate to their parents at the age of 57?

Yes, I am beginning to feel different, and it feels good. I am experiencing times of quiet and calm. Peace. They are few and far in between but they are there, and I hope they only grow. I like this feeling.

It’s time to get this house and myself in order. It is time to take some time for me. There are plenty of challenges ahead with my parents and myself. I need to be ready and that means caring for my own temple.

1 Corinthians 6:19-20 tell us that are bodies are temples of the Lord and we should treat them as temples. We are to respect and care for our bodies. I am guilty of not doing this. Are you? Can you be honest and admit it if you are not?

Yes, something is happening to me. Most of it feels good. Other parts, the bad parts that are being revealed, not so good. But I am happy to experience it. I am thankful that I can see the good and the bad. I am thankful for the opportunity to start making changes that need to be made.

Yes, I am changing. I am starting to grow and form again. I have a very long way to go. I know I am a child of God but what does all that mean? Where am I in my relationship with my Father? How do I enjoy this life that God gave me while still honoring the ministries He has given me?

By walking with God and living each day one step at a time. Life is a process. Growth is a process. Spiritual formation is a process. But you cannot live life with every minute of the day filled. You cannot experience joy, peace, and love when you are wrapped up as tight as a drum. A body and mind need time to breathe. Time to rest. Time to connect with God and His creation.

The potter and the clay are often used as examples for God and man. God molds the clay. It’s time for me to be the clay and stop controlling the world. Are you moldable right now? If not, what’s holding you back.

Peace,

Janet

[JG1]