This isn't so Bad, is it?

The formation classes for seminary had a special treat for the students in year two and three. It was a one-day spiritual retreat at an off-campus location. No doubt, most people would be extremely happy to have a break from the campus intensive.

But not everyone has two elderly parents with medical and cognitive issues that they are caring for 24/7. More importantly, was the inability to be available should something happen to my parents while I was gone on a retreat. Being forty minutes away and told to keep your phone off was not something this caregiver wanted to hear much less abide by.

The retreat day was not an option. I made arrangements for my parents and set out for my first retreat day in Formation Two. I was miserable. I constantly worried that something was going to happen to my parents.

The chip on my shoulder turned into a boulder by the end of day. I found no benefit to the experience and promptly sped straight home at the end of the retreat day only to find both parents resting comfortably all day long.

I was the one who struggled, stressed, and freaked the entire day. I was also the only one at the retreat who did not enjoy the day as was made evident in a joke by one of the professors during a chapel sermon. Something I did not appreciate, and thought was in poor taste for a doctoral professor and minister. This did not help me in the heat of my spiritual war.

Formation Three brought another opportunity to “experience” the retreat day. Fresh from the spiritual war and still finding myself in the aftermath of the attack, I felt fragile and in foreign territory. I was definitely on edge, waiting for another blow to come my way.

I was not looking forward to the experience but knew I had to attend to get my credit for Formation Three. I had survived one, more importantly, mom and dad had survived one. Despite my fears, I was confident we could get through another.

I felt better knowing the retreat would be at the same place as last year. I knew where I was going and what to expect. I would be with my cohort and the entire group of seminary students. But this time it would be different. I was not the same person as the year before. The spiritual battle that was raging inside me during Formation Two had subsided. I was in a recovery phase. I needed healing and maybe this retreat could help.

The Garden

The retreat center was blooming in color and green foliage. It was August and the forecast was for 95 degrees. The main building was airconditioned with plenty of comfy seating in various rooms. One room had a fireplace where one could nestle around. There was a chapel with wooden benches that could be utilized for solitude or prayer. Other chairs lined large windows, allowing the guests to gaze outside or simply enjoy the sunshine.

It was different this time. My anxiety quickly eased as I settled into a comfy window spaced chair, allowing me to enjoy the sunshine and the outdoor view of large trees and flowers. I was no longer afraid but came hoping to hear from God, a much different experience than my first time at the retreat.

My cohort group each splintered off to find their own niche for the day. No talking. No phones. Just time between us and God. We would gather for lunch and then at the end of the day to debrief before departing for home.

As you can see, each of us had our own idea on how to spend our silent retreat time.

After several hours, I decided to venture out of the main building and explore the trails. Despite the heat, the trails were cool. I walked down by the river and crisscrossed the trails. I crossed over a bridge that eventually led out into a field. I passed by several other students as I strolled the grounds. I eventually made my way back up to the back side of the main building where I found the garden.

The garden was lush with foliage and flowers of all types. There was a maze of stonework throughout the garden. Despite the harshness of the concrete stones, there flowed vines, foliage, and moss, all peeking out and growing from the cracks and joints that made up the concrete stairs, walls, and structures. Nothing kept out the new growth. No wall was tall or tight enough. No hole or crack was too small. Life grew despite the obstacles and blockades.

I sat there and watched as the flowers and foliage blew gently in the wind. Birds came and went. Bees drank the nectar from the various flowers. Butterflies circled and rested and then went on their way. I love nature. I have always been a protector of it. My favorite past time is hiking or biking outdoors, spending quiet moments away from the world.

The past several years had been a torment beyond words for me. To realize that I almost walked away from God was monumental. I had tried to refocus my life over the past several months to be more about God and I and not just me. Part of that focus included trying to take time out from my parental responsibilities and reconnect through praise and worship.

My friend, Jenny, and I went to see Kari Jobe at a local church. It was the first time I had ever seen her perform. The experience was breathtaking. The music struck a chord in my heart. One song was called “The Garden.” As I sat in the garden at the retreat center, I saw it and through it, I saw God.

There was life growing where no other life could grow. The vines and ivy in the garden had worked their way through the fine cracks and crevices. No hole was left without growth pushing through.

Just as Jesus gave us new life through His death, He continues to give us new life and growth through our pain and suffering. Even though I had given up, God never did. He was there with me the entire time. Everything was precisely timed out as only God could.

My being in the garden on this day was not unexpected or unplanned. What was different this formation year was my heart. I was not the same person as last year. I had come through my spiritual war with scars, bruises, and a broken soul, a soul in need of new growth and healing.

I saw what was possible in the garden. I heard the words of Kari Jobe’s song. It was time to let go of my hurt and anger. It was time for rebirth. It was time for healing and transformation.

Spiritual formation is a process that happens while we are living our lives. It does not come out of books or by watching famous evangelists. It is a process that comes from interacting with the living God, His Son, and the Holy Spirit.

It is a beautiful transformative process that comes through good times, bad times, and plain everyday living. It occurs through interacting with others and while in solitude. But we must be willing to allow God to work in our lives.

There are times that we are hurting so much that we see no way out, believing we are alone. But we are not. We are never alone. That is a lie of the enemy. We may not even see our growth, yet others do. I share with you the final comments of my Formation Three leader as he saw what I could not at the time.

“Janet, it has been a true blessing to be around for this part of your journey and watch you with courage face the opposition that was in front of you. You allowed yourself to be cared for by your cohort community and you walked in and through some vulnerable and challenging areas and watched God show himself faithful in those things. I could literally see your spiritual maturity and calling growing in capacity before my eyes with what you were sharing and what you were writing. You are brave, my friend! As well, your care-taking heart was evident to the group and your presence to us was a gift. I'm excited for the journey God has you on but just know the ministry assignment God has you on at home right now is both sacred and priceless in the Kingdom of God,” Chris Marshall.

Formation Three and the formation process had come to a close. Looking back, it almost seems impossible what I experienced. So much had happened both good and bad. My cohort would now go their separate ways. The feeling of lost was present but so was the wonder of what was ahead as I came out of this experience.

In my depths of the spiritual battle, I had given up and was ready to walk away from everything. But God was there, watching and waiting. Speaking to me as only He could, through friends, nature, and divine intervention. I share with you the song that laid the groundwork for my experience in the garden.

Peace,

Janet

The Garden

By Kari Jobe

I had all But given up Desperate for it A sign from love Something good Something kind Bringing peace to every corner of my mind Then I saw the garden Hope had come to me To sweep away the ashes And wake me from my sleep I realized You never left And for this moment You planned ahead That I would see Your faithfulness in all of the green I can see the ivy Reaching through the wall 'Cause You'll stop at nothing To heal my broken soul I can see the ivy Growing through the wall 'Cause You'll stop at nothing To heal my broken soul Ohhh Ohh, You're healing broken souls Ohh, You're healing broken souls Faith is rising up like ivy Reaching for the light Hope is stirring deep inside me Making all things right Love is lifting me from sorrow Catching every tear Dispelling every lie and torment Crushing all my fears You crush all my fears You crush all my fears With Your perfect love Ohh-ohhh, with Your perfect love Now I see redemption Growing in the trees The death and resurrection In every single seed...

[1] Natasha Sistrunk Robinson, Answering the Call of God, Woman Leaders.com, https://www.christianitytoday.com/women-leaders/2013/january/answering-call-of-god.html?start=1