It's Been a Very Rough Time

I will admit, it’s been a long time since I felt like blogging on this page. A very long time. It’s been a rough journey and not one with a happy ending.

It was easy working on my blog site while working on my doctorate. I was excited. Encouraged. In the process of completing something big. Afterwards, I was tired. The goal was accomplished. My life shifted as a big chunk of my time was now available. But for what?

That soon became obvious as my parents’ health became more fragile. Difficult situations facing difficult decisions, some that were not made in time. So, I drifted away. Other things took their place in my life. New challenges and educational opportunities took charge. All while caring for my parents, working full time, and managing our household.

I thought about returning a time or two but did not feel the call. Even when I experienced the most devastating time in my life, I still did not feel drawn back to the webpage. Until today.

On March 28th of this year, I lost my mom. It certainly did not happen like I anticipated. Anything but. What it did do is leave me angry at God. Yes, I said it. I was very angry with God. Even though He attended to my needs during the medical emergency, placing people in my path to minister to me, my mom transitioned to the spiritual world anyway.

I will spare you the details of that fateful morning, something that is forever etched into my mind. I can only hope and pray that my Mom was also cared for and ministered too much if not in an even better manner when she walked into Heaven’s gate and came face to face with Jesus.

Mom was having her own struggles as she had asked my Dad why God was making her suffer so. Something my Mom never talked to me about. I will confess, we did not have a lot of “deep” talks but oh, how I wish now we did. There are so many conversations I wished we had had to make her journey more comfortable. But that opportunity has passed now and I must live with what was and what happened that morning she transitioned out of my presence.

There was no doubt that God orchestrated the care that I received. Yet, I was angry. Very angry. I needed to have one last conversation with my Mom and she was taken moments from me before I could have it.

I did not hide my anger. I even told others how angry I was at God. Saying that I would even say it to His face or presence should He claim me right at that moment. Yes, I was very angry.

It took me almost three months to finally stand down from that anger. When I did, I became sad. Having to come to accept that for some reason God let it happen the way He did. That there must have been some reason or reasons.

It finally happened almost three months from her passing. The time had finally come for me to have a conversation with the most high God, my God. The tears began to flow as the anger seeped out of me and sadness filled its spot. Grieving does not happen in a day. It takes time and there are many things a person goes through along the way. I let go and let God. It was not easy, and it took time. I am still sad and have much healing to go through but it is a process, not an event.

There will be times when we will be angry with God. Just know, it's okay. He's a big God and He can handle it. There are times when we do not understand how He lets things happen to us, to our family members, friends, and the world. But remember, this is a fallen world, and it is not our home. Heaven is our home and somehow, someway, we have to get there.

A new Heaven and earth are coming and it is part of His plan. Not our plan. His. Does that mean there are things that we experience that are not painful? No. Much of this life can be painful but He tells us He will never leave or forsake us.

God was with me when Mom passed into the spiritual world. And if He was with me in all that He did that morning, I can only imagine what it was like for Mom. I have many regrets and pains over Mom's final few hours on this earth but that is something I need to place in God's hands and accept as His will. Trust me, it is not easy. But if He truly is my God, then I need to abide by His will.

Were there lessons to be learned? Were they my lessons? Mom’s lessons? Did she finally need to come to an acceptance of her own? What happened in the final moments of my Mom's life? Was she in conversation with Him? Did she see angels or a family member?

Were there other reasons? Did the people who ministered to me have a purpose or something to glean from that morning? Did the events of that morning have a trickledown effect on others? So many unknowns. No doubt, there was more than one reason. I certainly am not afraid to make my own journey now into the spiritual world as I look forward to meeting Jesus and my Mom again.

God’s plans are intricate and, in some cases, a lifetime in the making. Am I all better now? Absolutely not. I am now just in another phase of this grief journey, my own spiritual journey. A time to stand down and stand back.

Where do I go from here? A major part of my life is gone. I was lost for months as I no longer have the responsibilities I once had. Now it is just Dad and I. Learning how to live without my Mom. It will be three months in just a couple of days.

Yet, it feels nothing like it. In many ways, our lives have stood still. Most of her things remain untouched. Calendars, once a big thing for mom, have remained unchanged and are still on March. Her glass in the mini fridge upstairs, where she drank her few ounces of orange juice each morning, is still in the fridge. Her nightgown and call light, on her pillow. Her medications from that fateful morning still on her nightstand. Her water bottle with a coaster around it, still downstairs on the counter with her coffee mug. Her shoes and clothing she wore to the hospital, still in bags. Too painful to touch.

I knew that someday this would happen though I did not expect it to happen the way it did, and I wish it didn’t happen the way it did. I knew that one day I would start to get my life back, the life I gave up for her, for them. I still have Dad and he can be a handful at times. Right now, I am in a lull until things start to escalate again. Something I am not ready for.

I lived through my biggest fear, my biggest hurt, and it has changed me forever. Something I was not prepared for. Though I still have the path to walk with my Dad, I am not the same person. I was not expecting to be angry at God, though He was. Have I learned my lessons? I have no idea. Where do I go from here? I have no idea. A big part of my life has been freed up, but I would gladly give it back to have my Mom with me again.

This life on earth is not forever. Yes, people say that all the time and people think they know what its like to be ready for something like this but until you live it, you are truly clueless.

Peace