I Have A Problem with Authority. Does Anyone Else Out There?

I have a problem with authority. Is there anyone else out there brave enough to admit it? Is there anyone with the cajonees out there that can admit to it? Well, I will admit it and sadly my attitude often reflects it. Along with how I respond to issues and people.

I’m not proud of it. In fact, it can get me in big trouble (it already has) and I can easily hurt the people I love and ones I do not know. But admitting it is a major step in learning how to deal with it. The first step is recognizing there is a problem. You then must own it. Once you own it, admit it. Get it out in the light so God can start to work on it.

I also have an anger problem. Another thing I am not proud of but need to admit to. Put both of those together and I can explode like no one’s business. Neither are admirable traits, and both need God’s grace and mercy in an abundant fashion.

I don’t really know when both issues began to surface but I do remember having problems with them in my childhood years. So, this is nothing new. But it has been getting worse. Much worse.

I attribute this to the amount of stress I am under. My filters (the ability to keep my mouth shut and so forth) are at an all time low. I often “take no prisoners.” Leaving a wake of angry and offended people and hurt loved ones.

I told you in my first post and on my bio page that this would be raw and truthful. The good, the bad, and the ugly. Well, here it is, out in public. Please don’t try to act all perfect and display your halo on your head. I know, if you are honest, there are times that you also go off the deep end. Yell. Scream. Rant. It’s just that some of us are not as far off the grid as others. Not teetering on the edge for some reason or other. But we all get there at times. We all reach that point where we cannot take it any longer.

For me, it just seems to be a perpetual place to exist on a daily basis anymore. I really believe it comes down to having very little time to myself and not being able to have any real down time. Serious down time, not just a few minutes or hours.

People need time to decompress. To be themselves. To relax and be able to let go of the cares of this world. But there are times in people’s lives that this is just not possible. Say you have a sick child in the ICU. Your nerves are on high alert. You are anxious, scared, worried about what is going to become of your child. What will you do if they do not make it? How will you survive? What about your job? Maybe you have other children to care for. Who is going to watch over them?

Now, imagine, living in that state for an extended amount of time. It does not matter the reason or event. The effects of stress are still the same. In my case, I feel it has made my behaviors worse.

I am not saying it as an excuse because I have no reason to treat another human being in a rotten manner. But I have been and until recently, I have been ignoring my own behavior. But I need to stop that and begin to take steps toward coming back to acting like Jesus and not just talking the talk.

I have gotten off the path of spiritual growth and have been sinking toward the dark. Can anyone else out there relate? Are you brave enough to own it? Maybe you have not realized it yet. Turn inward and take an assessment of your behavior.

There are many people in our society that have lost the meaning of humanity. Look at how people are treating one another. It is all over the place. The country has slid into a desperate situation. We cheer and congratulate people on Facebook when an act of kindness is posted. These acts of kindness should be the norm, not a Facebook moment.

I have recently had some experiences, that I am not proud of, but have made me realize just how far gone I have become. One is the interaction that I had with a police officer when he pulled me over for speeding. I behaved horribly. That is not me. I love police officers and especially the retired sheriff who lives next to me. We are the best of buds.

I was trying to get mom and dad to a new doctor’s appointment in a city that I knew very little about. I thought I had the right directions, but I became lost. I had to turn around. Not an easy feat. I had to turn on a different street and became totally disoriented. I did not know the speed limit. I could not see the speedometer due to sun on the dash. I was frantically looking for a way to get back to where I was without success. Then it happened.

A motorcycle cop sitting on the side of the road pulled behind me. I was in a bunch of cars and in the farthest lane. I could not speed and I was driving mom and dad’s boat of a car. Yet, here was the cop behind me with lights on. I could not find a place to pull over and it took a few minutes, to the irritation of the cop. It was a busy road and I had no intentions of getting hit.

When I found a place, the officer approached the car with no mask on. Yes, no mask on. Here I had 2 elderly parents with medical conditions and oxygen in the car and he had no mask on. I got out of the car and asked him to put on a mask. This made him very mad. He continued to approach me. I demanded he put on a mask at which point he said to get the “G D in the car.” I in no polite manner told him not to talk to me in that manner or in those words. It only got worse from there.

This happened over a month ago and I still feel the rage. Here I am. Lost. Trying to get my parents to a doctor’s appointment and I am dealing with a psycho motorcycle cop. I did not handle it well. My reward? An $185 ticket for something I did not do, speed. He did escort us to the doctor’s office, which I would have never found, so there was a reason for the event. But it left me sour about police officers and the whole situation. This would have never happened in my city.

I have also had some issues with our family doctor’s office. The entire staff, except 2 people, up and quit. I don’t know why but the family doctors there obviously did something. Now, you cannot get a call back for help or prescriptions. I have called for 10 days trying to get my mom an orthopedic specialist referral. I have sent email messages and even walked in with a letter to the doctor complete with pics. Nothing. My mom has been in pain for almost two weeks. My dad’s breathing medicine was sent over wrong, resulting in only one inhaler instead of three. A very costly mistake for my dad financially and medically. He still needs his meds yet the office is not responding to the pharmacy or to me.

Then there is me. I have a medication that requires a prior auth. No one in the office knows how to do it. They insist they do not need to do it. They have confused milligrams with milliliters. The insurance understands what they are doing wrong, but the office is clueless and even decreased my breathing medication in the process. All of this has pushed beyond the edge and has turned me into a very nasty person.

There is something wrong with this world and it’s not getting any better. COVID has affected almost every aspect of our lives in some way, shape, and form. Sadly, I don’t think we will be going back to who we once were. All of this has not helped my underlying problems of anger and issues with authority.

God’s Word tells us that this is a fallen world. In end times there will be war, rumors of war, disease, and pestilence. Floods. Earthquakes. People turning from God. It is all happening in front of our eyes and I don’t like it.

I want to go back before the year of 2020. Better yet, I want to go back thirty years ago, when I was in my twenties. Mom and dad were healthy. I was happy, just graduating from nursing school. Computers were just coming out so people were not tied to their screens. It was a much better time. More wholesome and safe.

But that is not possible. Today, I live with a gut-wrenching ball in my stomach every day. I walk around with clenched fists and jaws. I fight for everything I need for my family. I stock up on supplies and watch for the latest COVID victim. I wonder when can goods will come back in stock due to aluminum can shortages. Maybe the frozen onion rings will be available soon after a three-month hiatus. I have bought more N95 masks. Mom and dad got their booster shots to protect them. That was fun. Garbing them up in oxygen, wheelchair, and PPE to get them their shots. It’s never ending.

I am still working on what to do about my authority and anger issues. But, I have owned it and I have brought it out into the light. I don’t expect any relief or help with those in the world as almost all are probably hurting in some shape or form as I am, unable to help themselves much less others.

But I have identified my issues. I accept them and own them, just like I owned the speeding ticket and paid the fine. I am still dealing with my issues over that. And I have brought out my sins and the evil spirits of anger and issues with authority figures out into the light. God, please heal me and protect others from me. Grow me into your example. Fill me with the fruits of the spirit as what is inside of me is not representative of You. In Jesus name, amen.

Peace,

Janet