How Does It Feel When You Lose a Friend to Death When You Have Unfinished Business? Not Good!

I lost a friend of nineteen plus years the other day. She died in the hospital on a ventilator. No, this is not a COVID story. She had other medical conditions. Either way, she is gone. Whe was also 8 years younger than me. Now, that should make anyone pause for a moment.

I will never get the chance to talk to her again, have lunch with her, share my dreams with her, or go to church together ever again. I will also never have the chance to talk to her about what has happened to her and I over the past five years.

It was in July of 2016 that I had my last fun time with my friend. We went swimming in my old above ground pool. It was also a strained time because I could see that my friend was not who she used to be. She had gone through a lot lately, things I will not share out of respect for her privacy. But when I say went through a lot, I mean a lot. It was also what I notice to be the beginning of our friendship falling apart. But there is so much more to the story. Let me tell you about my friend and her parents.

It all started about 19 years ago. I had lost my dog of 16 ½ years and experienced an unprecedented moment with Jesus, which is a whole other story for another time. It was this experience that brought me back into the doors of the church. I had been gone from church since the age of 10. Nineteen years ago, I came back to the church after a very long hiatus thanks to my biological father’s affair on my mom.

I was hurting and alone when I entered the church that I soon called my home. It is the same church where I found the most wonderful group of friends, including my now gone little snow freak. It was this church where a group of new friends accepted me into their world. Flaws and all. All of whom I am friends with to this day. Several who are on the board of Only Jesus Ministries. All who are experiencing the loss of a friend gone way too soon.

Snow Freak (not her real name) and I became friends almost immediately upon me joining the church. We sat by each other every Sunday Morning, evening, and Wednesday night. There sat two grown women who laughed and joked during the church service. Many times, we caught the eye of the pastor who was none to pleased. I never was good in church.

Snow Freak taught the singles ministry Bible class and later went on to teach a women’s Sunday morning Bible study. She was devoted in prayer, as well as her parents. Her mom would check on me and tell me she was praying for my parents and myself. Snow freaks spiritual habits made me look lame. They were such better Christians than me.

Snow Freak and her parents were a loving family. Snow Freak was gentle, kind, and giving. She would do anything for you, if possible and within Christian guidelines. Her big heart well made up for her short stature.

Her parents quickly took an interest in me, and they became like a second set of parents to me, should something happen to mine. Our friendship grew over the years. I felt that we were inseparable. Yes, I truly felt like I had a friend whom I could share anything with, and I did.

When I felt called to ministry, I had the full support of snow freak and her parents. They encouraged me onward. They shared their thoughts with me about becoming a minister and even attended my first sermon at another church. There we were in the church after my first sermon, my parents, myself, my backup parents, and my sister in Christ all posing for a picture.

A time came when I found out Snow freak had lost her Bible study partner. She had this partner for many years, so I was surprised to find out her partner was no more. I did not ask why. She would not have told me anyway. Snow freak was excellent at not divulging anything personal about anyone. Her parents were the same way. Any information that goes into her parent’s ears and herself was held like it belonged in Fort Knox. This was great for when I needed to share something but horrible when something in the church was going on and I could not find out a thing.

I have another friend like that too. She guards everything like Fort Knox. Her name is Jenny and is on our board. She offers services on brain health and other things. Deidre, also a friend and on the board, has a big heart and excellent to talk to as well. Just know there are people and resources you can talk to and trust in this world. You are not alone.

When snow freak mentioned she no longer had a prayer partner, I asked if I could be one with her. I thought maybe it would help me to be better at prayer. I thought wrong. FYI, don’t ever take on the role of a prayer partner if you are not called to it. Being a prayer partner is a big responsibility. One that I failed at miserably.

We began having weekly calls every Saturday at 4pm. They were fine at first. We talked about what was going on in our lives and then prayed at the end of the call. But things began to change over the years. Instead of being accountable, it seemed more like a venting session, at least for me.

My life kept becoming more and more complicated and I monopolized most of the time. At least it felt that way to me. I was not a good prayer partner.

Looking back, there should have been more Christian guidance and accountability. More analyzing what was happening in our lives and less stating of the facts and emotions. I had never did this before and I was not being very successful at it.

Then things went horribly wrong. I received a call from Snow freak’s mom that there would be no further prayer partner calls and she asked me not to call her. I was surprised by the call and the request to stay away from my friend of all these years. Then she told me why. I took a step back. I had no idea. How could I have missed such a thing?

I was confused about what was happening. I could not understand. I felt like I was being blamed by Snow freak’s mom for what was happening at the time. The call was short and curt. No doubt her mom was concerned for her well-being. She had been through so much over the past two years. Thinking back over it all, I can understand the protective action of her mom. But during that time, I was totally lost and kept in the dark.

Snow freak’s FB page went silent, and I received no messenger notices after 2016 until October of 2017. I had tried to call her mom several times to find out how Snow freak was doing but each call was short and curt. Her mom was sharing very little details. New medication here. New treatment there. But nothing was shared that helped me to understand how all this started and why I was considered taboo to talk to.

This went on for years. I tried a few messenger posts directly to Snow freak but those did not go any better than the phone calls to her mom. It wasn’t until March of 2018 until I saw Snow Freak and her mom in the Kohls parking lot. They were walking into the store, and I was walking out.

I kept my distance and kept going. I wanted to stop and talk to them, but I was afraid of the welcome I would have received. I had already delt with long periods of silence and awkward phone conversations. I was really struggling on where our friendship was heading. I was hurting inside from the lack of knowing and the sudden loss of contact.

Later, I posted something on FB and Snow Freak acknowledged the post. I sent a message through messenger as an attempt to reach out. I told her how I could understand it if her parents thought it was in her best interest for us to no longer be friends. I hoped she was doing better.

Snow Freak responded back that she was doing better, but her condition was very precarious. It had been four months since she had been in the hospital. It was then that she told me she was not the same person that she used to be, and she would never be that person again. Again, I was left scratching my head, trying to figure what had happened.

I had already been feeling lost and confused over whatever it was that happened. I had no idea on how our relationship stood as we had been in limbo for years, at least to me. I was never told what happened, other than cliff notes, and it had been terribly silent between us. I responded back…

“I understand the fragility and I don't want to do anything to jeopardize your health in any way, but you will have to guide me on where our friendship stands, if you ever feel like talking or starting our friendship again you will need to set the boundaries and guide me, so I don't hurt you or cause you harm. I will do my very best to follow your lead. I love you. We have been friends for 16 years and the thought of losing you hurts but I will not risk your life over me wanting to maintain a friendship with you. If you feel it is in your best interest to unfriend me - I understand. We both know my situation will not get better, only worse. I don't want my life to impact yours and if watching or hearing what I am going through or going to go through with mom and dad is too much; then you need to do what is best for you. I just need to know so I am not wondering. Take care of yourself Snow Freak. You always have my ear and my heart. PS. you looked good today. Give your mom a hug.” That was in March of 2018.

Snow freak responded back, “I will let you know. I pop in and out as I can so as not to develop false expectations. You would be surprised what I do know. The only thing they know is that I get headaches easily. Mom has something weird going on giving her pain in the legs. Dad is on oxygen 24/7 now. Otherwise, he's doing well and is onery. I am working with Legos fifth grade math, reading, in crochet, and coloring for coping skills. It is very frustrating to not have my brain work anymore. My neurologist believes something else is going on he has ordered and upper spine MRI and an EEG. He prefers I not drive. I haven't been able to drive for over a year which is really frustrating as well. We believe I have the best medical team possible they have been awesome. Hope that helps answer some of your questions. love you hugs”

Her answer left me with more questions than answers since I had no clue what had been happening since our last phone call. Things went silent again until 2020, another two years of silence, and then COVID hit.

During these 2 years of silence, I felt myself needing to make a decision about our friendship. I had been confused and hurting for so long. Maybe it was time to step back and let the friendship take its natural course and end. I prepared my heart and decided to let things go and let God. I had tried for 4 years to hold onto our friendship. I stepped back and accepted my fate. Whatever I did, I would probably never know. Her health was all that mattered.

IN 2020, masks were at a premium. I had stocked up with mom, dad, and myself, all being high risk. During my purchase frenzy, I found some Disney masks. I ordered them and when they finally came in, they were way too small. I posted them on my FB page and Snow freak responded.

I arranged for Snow freak to come over to the house to pick up a few of the smaller sized masks, contactless. That was the extent of our contact in 2020.

In 2021 strange things began to happen. I noticed my little friend was responding to various FB posts that I did. She had not liked or commented on anything for 4 years. Then I got a phone call from my little Snow freak. A call that totally took me off guard.

My friend told me how she knew that I would want to be the first to know that she had almost died due to a medical condition. I sat there, holding the phone, shocked. How could she think this? We had not talked in 4 years. Snow Freak went on to tell me everything that had happened. I tried to process the medical information and responds the best I could. We talked for nearly 30 minutes. It was as if nothing had ever happened. I had just stepped back in time by about five years or more.

I got off the phone totally confused and untrusting. What just happened? How could she respond like that? As if nothing has happened? I decided to take a wait and see approach, protecting my heart and protecting her should I say or do something wrong, again.

Snow Freak became more and more active on FB. When I shared my experience about having chest pain she called and left a voice mail on my phone saying she was available to drive me to the hospital. What? Drive? I never called her back. But I did save that voice mail. It is still on my phone today.

As crazy as all this has been, there is more. I had to do my defense for my doctorate this summer. My little Snow Freak wanted to come and be there for support. Due to COVID, my defense was done virtually with no ability for guests. But it was the offer that surprised me.

She even invited me to her 50th birthday party celebration. Wow. My little snow freak was turning 50. Where had all the time gone? I saw her FB posts about her birthday outing, seeing how happy she looked. All of which had me wondering and confused over what was happening.

A month later was another post. Snow Freak was in the hospital again, waiting to be released. Then it happened.

On a cold and miserable weekend in November, just three days before my birthday, a post came through from another friend announcing Snow Freak’s passing. A member of my board messaged me asking what had happened. I had not seen the post and had not heard from anyone.

A sinking feeling came to my stomach as I jumped up and ran to the computer. Okay, so I stumbled my way to my laptop as my joints popped and muscles spasmed. I searched my FB feed and found the post. I instant messaged my friend and asked the unbearable question. What happened?

It was then I learned how my little Snow Freak had passed. Tears filled my eyes and guilt filled my gut. I took a step back, stopping myself from succumbing to the guilt. I knew that was not of God. I shared the details of her passing with my friends, also close friends with Snow Freak.

Snow Freak crossed over peacefully to be with Jesus on Saturday. Snow Freak loved snow. On Sunday, it snowed for almost 6 hours. It was a gentle, wet, heavy snow. Good packing snow. Snow Freak would have loved it so much and I am sure she did.

I could not help but believe that the snow that fell on the next day, a Sunday, was God’s and Snow Freaks way of letting us know that she was okay. She was with Jesus and doing just fine and she wanted to let us know.

Why do I say that other than Snow freak loving snow? Because, when I lost my dog of 16 ½ years, the year I met Snow freak, something happened. Three days after I lost my precious fur baby, I was alone in the family room. My heart began to break, and I started sobbing. Just then, the skies opened up and a burst of rain came down. It came down hard for just a short time.

I thought at first it was my dog reaching out to me. Then I realized that he did not have that power, but God did. I knew that it was God telling me how sad He was too. You see, it was not forecasted to rain that day and there had been no clouds in the sky all day. God reached out and connected with me in a way that only He knew I would understand.

It's been almost 2 weeks now. I spent a lot of time reminiscing about my friend. Going through old FB posts and instant messages, trying to put things together. Searching for answers. Knowing that there is much I would never know. I cried many tears and still do today. But God is good. I say this not just because He is but because He also gave me insight.

Shortly after Snow Freaks passing, several disability cases came across my work desk. They seemed strangely familiar. They resembled what I had gleaned from what happened to my little Snow Freak. I began to understand what she partially went through. We can never fully understand until we go through something ourselves.

God helped make it clear by the way of an example. An example that left me with some symptoms similar to what I had identified. Something that I do not want to go through again, but it helped me to understand.

No, I won’t know everything until I meet with her again in heaven, but I have a better understanding of what happened. I have some peace.

Reflecting Back

After several years of sitting in the dark, seeing no movement on Facebook, I did what I thought was best. Emotionally, I let go of the friendship. The person I knew was no longer. The friendship that I knew was gone. I needed to accept it and move on right? Yet, I kept her on my FB page. I kept holding on to what had been. And then she started to come back to life on FB.

None of it made sense and I could not grasp it, dare act like nothing had happened. I was terrified that I might say something that would trigger something for her. So, I stayed at a distance. Watching as she began liking my FB posts and commenting. Seeing the friend that I once knew return to what seemed “normal” to me. I sit here still and shake my head, wondering what happened. And now, I will never know. She is gone.

I have sat in front of my iPad and computer screen and scrolled through her FB page and our messenger

conversations. Did I read into things wrong? No. The comments are there. The long pauses in our friendship are there. I remember her mom telling me that our prayer time was over. I remember the curt responses when I called. I remember feeling that they blamed me in some way for what happened with their daughter. Worse yet, was the birthday wish she sent me last year. There it was. I had seen and and responded. Now it brought flowing tears as she passed just 3 days before my birthday this year. I will never get a happy birthday wish again.

Despite everything that had occurred between us (or her mom), I still held out hope in some way that we might be BFF's again. When I got the news of her passing, my heart sank and began to break into pieces. My long-time friend is now gone. I will never have the chance to talk to her again. I will never be able to find out what happened during those past five years.

I thought I had time. I thought I could watch and wait, slowly feeling things out. Trying to decide if I

wanted to venture back into a friendship that broke my heart and left me feeling ostracized for whatever it was that I did or failed to do. After all, she was 8 years younger than me. This is not right. It should not be happening. But it did and here I sit with tears running down my cheeks. A friend, a good soul, forever gone.

Yes, she is with Jesus. She is out of pain. But the past five or so years of her life had been a living hell. It had only been in this last year that I saw her FB page come alive. I watched as she celebrated her birthday with friends and a fun outing that I would have loved to attend if it had not been for COVID and my responsibilities to my parents.

I love you Snow Freak. I am so sorry that I let you down five years ago. I will never be able to talk to you about it while I am down here but one day we will be together again. But I doubt any words will be needed as we will already know through the grace of our heavenly Father.

You know, Facebook will often have posts about leaving people who hurt you. Letting go and being free. May I say that may not always be the right choice. In some cases, it may be, but not in all of them. Think carefully before you act. You may never have a chance to talk to that person ever again. If you can live with the reality that you may never know the whole story once that person is gone, go ahead and make that decision. But make sure it is a decision that you can live with should God take the other person home.

Because, as you can see, I must now live with my actions/inactions for my remaining time on earth. Remember in earlier posts when I told you spiritual formation can be painful? Yes, this has been very painful but I have also learned so much.

This past Thanksgiving I thought about how Snow Freak's parents were experiencing their first major holiday without their daughter. I doubt if they were eating turkey or joyful. Pain, no doubt, racked their souls. Yes, we rejoice because she is in heaven but it is still painful for those of us on this side.

Snow Freaks death has changed me forever. What happened cannot be undone. I can only learn and grow from it, resting in the arms of Jesus. Have you ever experienced something like this or similar? Please feel free to share in the comments. It gives us a chance to identify with each other and learn and grow.

Thank you for the snow, my Heavenly Father and Snow Freak. Thank you, God, for sending me messages and helping me to see just a glimpse of what I did not see at the time.

Peace

Janet