Formation Two - Descending into the Depths of Spiritual Warfare

Formation Two Motley Crew

Fall 2016

Course syllabus description (abbreviated for this blog): This course will continue the covenantal group learning by offering a ministry reflection tool and a theological grounding for ministry. Ministry Reflection Reports will be taught and practiced during the course as a means by which students can learn to determine appropriate responses to critical issues in ministry contexts. Students will also develop a biblical, theological understanding of grace with careful attention to how grace is practiced in community and ministry.

Assignments:

1. Weekly reflection reports

2. A Ministry Reflection Report - Each student must write one Ministry Reflection Report (this is NOT the same as a Weekly Report). You will share this with your cohort group at the “Retreat.”

3. Referencing a recent conflict in your church its flow of anxiety. Be prepared to discuss the event and its implications.

4. Develop S.M.A.R.T. goals for the upcoming year.

5. Write a Guide for Congregational Conflict Transformation

6. Write a Theological Statement on Grace

7. Field education

The second year of formation brought a new focus and a new formation leader. I was not happy about either. I was quite comfortable with my old formation leader and would have preferred to keep him. As my cohort progressed in our seminary studies, we progressed from learning about ourselves to learning about our call. The focus for this year’s formation year would be on ministry, skills, and grace.

I scanned the syllabus and saw several areas of concern. First was a ministry reflection report to be “shared” with my cohort group at a retreat. The second was sharing about a conflict in the church. That certainly would not be hard with what I had experienced that year. The third was the “retreat.” Caring for two elderly parents in my home with multiple medical conditions and cognitive issues required me to be close by at all times, if not present in the home most of the day and night. A retreat was just not possible. Yet, it was required for the class. My anxiety level heightened as I thought about how I was going to make this retreat a reality. But the retreat was the least of my problems as I was about to enter full blast into spiritual warfare.

The first semester in Formation Two brought unpleasant challenges as my attitude stepped out in force. I could not understand why we had to have a new formation advisor when our old one was still there. He was just assigned to a different cohort group. I will admit, I did not care for the lady minister running our group. I am firmly convinced that I had a large letter A for attitude written across my chest the entire intensive week for the class and I wore it angrily. For those who may not be familiar with an intensive week, that is when the group is together for an entire week.

My reflection papers were the minimum page requirement and shared only pertinent information. There was no great outpouring of my heart as in Formation One. My attitude was nothing to be proud of but it was a reality and needed to be dealt with but not by the formation leader. This attitude needed serious intervention by someone much higher and stronger, it needed divine intervention. My attitude was the least of my problems at this point.

Field Education and a Fragile Heart

Along with the upcoming retreat, the required field education was another challenge I was facing this semester. I had lost my ministry position at the new church and had taken a break from ministry, hoping to heal my wounds. I was now in need of a mentor and a location for my field education. After checking with some friends, I found what I thought was a suitable location and mentor. I settled into my field ministry with open eyes and an open heart.

My new church home for the field education was in an old part of town in a city thirty minutes away. There were gray haired heads across the pews. I counted maybe ten kids. They had no power point display. No band or choir. Music generated from cassette tapes from which the pastor sang songs. There was also a piano player who provided a selection of music.

Attendance was dwindling at the church, mostly from attrition. The church was aging out and new blood was not coming in. My church that had closed the year before flashed before me. Not again, I thought. This can’t be happening. I made up my mind that I was not going to let this happen. I had ideas to share and desired to do whatever I could to save this little church from the same demise as mine. I was going to save the day and this little church.

The church board had other plans. The board limited the activities that I could participate in because I was a “stranger” and did not know their ways. My ideas went no further than the pastor’s ear. The pastor told me he would discuss my ideas with the church board members for outreach activities and events to grow the church month after month, but it never happened.

I was allowed to create a Facebook page for the church, and I began posting pictures and videos of the pastor and others singing and preaching. The field education was limiting but it did provide some valuable insight into how churches respond to strangers and new ideas. Yet, I was paraded around as a glorified student to the denominational powers at be who came to visit as the pastor stroked my hair. Yes, the pastor stroked my hair and on more than one occasion.

As the months progressed, the opportunities did not. I became disillusioned and unsettled in my choice of field internship. The more the pastor stroked my hair, the more uncomfortable I became. It was during this time I learned a secret about the pastor. One that affected how I looked at him and my internship.

You see, I found out that the pastor had had an affair on his wife and divorced her just a few years earlier. People having affairs is nothing new. So, why would this affect me? Because my father had an affair on my mother in the church and he left my mom for the other woman.

It’s bad enough finding out that your new mentor/pastor has had an indiscretion. But what is worse is that my new mentor new about my biological father having an affair on my mother as I had shared that with him during a “get to know you” lunch meeting. Yet, he sat silent, not saying anything about his own affair.

My biological father was the music leader in the church, a prominent position. His affair on my mother with a fellow church woman brought not only disgrace upon my mother but also embarrassed her. My mother left the church, taking my brother and I in two. I was a mere ten years old.

I had only returned to the church in 1992, after experiencing a devastating loss. I had shared my spiritual past with my new mentor/pastor, and he did not share with me his past.

Part of Formation One involved us diagraming our family tree and labeling events or traits that may affect us. The activity was fresh in my mind along with that family tree filled for of baggage, memories, and dark secrets.

The emotions and memories that were brought up during the family tree activity in Formation One began to boil over into the field site. The affair that my biological father had on my mother destroyed my family and changed my course in life at an early age. That event “formed” me and was now affecting my field internship. The constant stroking of my hair by this man did not help.

I found myself struggling with what had happened in my past and what was happening at that moment. Anger from my past was intersecting with my new anger. This man was a pastor. I shared with this man my family past and how it affected me. He said nothing, a sin of omission.

I know he had no responsibility to share with me his sinful past, a hidden truth. But the truth was found out and no apologies for the deceitfulness that occurred were offered. The struggle with my past and the fresh anger was affecting my spiritual life. I had to make a decision about my field site and mentor.

Do I stay or leave? How would I explain it? Leaving would require finding another site midstream, something unheard of unless there were dire reasons. It would require finding another mentor/pastor to lead my field education. I knew I had to go but where?

Forgiveness as a Spiritual Discipline

Believers are called to forgive and offer grace to others. Some consider this the hardest spiritual discipline as it takes commitment and strength on behalf of the believer. It is also biblical. The New Covenant is based on forgiveness (2 Cor. 3:16-18). Believers are forgiven of their sins through the acceptance of Jesus as Lord and Savior and through the shedding of His blood. In return, believers are called to forgive others just as God forgave us (Eph. 4:31-32).

How can we move forward if we are held back by our unforgiveness? We can’t. We may be able to fool ourselves for a while. We can cover up our emotions but eventually everything spills out. Often, it spills out in a very bad way on unsuspecting and innocent people.

Forgiveness is not easy. Forgiveness sometimes requires repetition, forgiving a person time and time again. Forgiveness requires looking past the person who hurt you and toward who they are in Christ. We all sin. We all hurt. We all fail each other. The only perfect one was Christ and that is who we are to strive to be in image and in deed, Jesus Christ.

When we fail to forgive, we fail ourselves and God. Failing to forgive causes hurt to our soul and bodies. When we hold tight to hurt, hate, bitterness, and anger festers inside of us. Like a disease, it takes hold and works its way through our body, mind, and soul; infecting every cell that makes up our being.

People who harbor unforgiveness experience anxiety, depression, high blood pressure, and other disease states.[1] When people forgive, they experience less stress, less anxiety, less bitterness, less anger, a better immune response, and better heart health.[2]

The disease of unforgiveness lies in wait to destroy us. It infects our heart, slowly taking control of everything we are. There is a reason why Scripture tells us to let go of all bitterness, wrath, and anger (Eph. 4:31). God truly has our best interest at heart when He tells us to forgive others. But it goes much deeper.

When we fail to forgive others, it affects our relationship with God. Not only does satan have a foothold in our lives when we fail to forgive, unforgiveness blocks our relationship with Christ. The Lord’s prayer in Matthew 6:14-15 reference the receiving of forgiveness when we forgive others. For us to experience God’s forgiveness, we must be willing to forgive others. Failing to forgive others blocks the forgiveness of God and our ability to be in His presence.

How can we learn to forgive and practice this essential spiritual discipline? First, remember forgiveness is biblical. We are called to forgive others just as Christ forgave us (Col. 3:13). When we forgive someone, we are not saying that what they did was right or okay. When we forgive someone, we are setting ourselves free from the bondage of the hurt and pain that was caused to us. We are releasing ourselves from the pain and bondage of all the emotions that come from the event.

Forgiveness comes with time, a time that allows for healing. Forgiving someone comes through the power of Christ as we walk with Him through the journey of healing. Forgiveness is trusting in God to care for your soul and bring you peace.

The Bible is full of stories of hurt, anger, and forgiveness. Joseph forgave his brothers who planned to kill him. Jesus forgave those who placed Him on the cross. Forgiveness is part of God’s redemptive plan.

For those seeking to grow in their spiritual formation, forgiveness is a must. If we desire to grow into the image of Christ, we must learn to love as Christ loved. Eph. 5: 1-2 tells us, “Therefore, be imitators of God, as dearly loved children, and walk in love, as Christ also loved us and gave Himself for us, a sacrificial and fragrant offering to God.” God uses all things for our good, even the painful things.

I was already angry and hurt from my old church closing. Being invited to open a church and be part of a new ministry only to have it be given to someone else did not help the situation. Talk about rubbing salt into a wound. Then to have an encounter with an adulterer who I chose as a pastor and mentor?

The activities of Formation One were meant to bring up issues that may need addressed to turn us into effective ministers and help us deal with issues that people face on a daily basis. But the process also has the ability to leave hidden and forgotten wounds uncovered as many of these discoveries and wounds go without treatment. Leaving a fertile ground for the enemy to lay seeds and turn into mine fields.

What was uncovered in my past through the course of Formation One, added to the current hurts I was experiencing. Fertile ground for the enemy was growing and so was my anger, resentment, confusion, and disillusionment.

Can you identify with what I am saying here? Have you experienced such a time or times? Is there someone in your life or an event that affected you so badly that your entire life was turned upside down? Is it still affecting you today or do you even know if it is? Seriously, I had no idea I held such pent-up resentment.

I don’t excel in the area of forgiveness. Do you? I have a lot to learn when it comes to forgiving others and moving on. I am nowhere near what is expected of me as a Christ follower. Maybe you have mastered the art of forgiveness. Have you? I’m still smoldering about some things.

Peace, Janet

[1] Forgiveness: Your Health Depends on It, John Hopkins Medicine, https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/wellness-and-prevention/forgiveness-your-health-depends-on-it. [2] Mayo Clinic Staff, “Forgiveness: Letting go of grudges and bitterness,” https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/forgiveness/art-20047692.