Can a Person Really Not Like Themselves?

Can a person really not like themselves? Some of you may shoot back a quick, absolutely on that. Others may think, what? How can you not like yourself, you are the one who determines who you are? But do we really? Do we really decide who we are? What our essence is? What makes up our core?

It's hard enough looking in the mirror and seeing an aging woman, wondering where my youth has gone. But add on top of it the realization that I have changed, no longer the person I once was. That really brings reality to the surface, just like the lines on my face and bags under my eyes.

I will agree that we are largely responsible for who we are and what we become. But wouldn’t you say that our life events and surroundings affect us as well? Think about this.

If you lived in a beautiful sunny area with beaches, ample fun things to do, a low crime rate, and tons of blissful joy, wouldn’t that affect who you are and how you see life?

Now, what about if you lived in a 3rd world country where guns and bombs went off constantly. The earth was dry and barren with little grass or trees. How do you think that would affect you?

Now, both of these examples are extreme, but they are meant to drive a point. What about the smaller things that affect our lives? Our jobs, our friends, our situations that we find ourselves in. Our responsibilities. Come on, dig a little deeper into it. What about when we are overwhelmed by our lives?

I am not the same person now that I was in my twenties, thirties, or even forty’s. I really wish I could take a time machine and go back to those times to see how I was really feeling, what I was thinking, and even stop some of the decisions that I made.

I wonder, was I happy back then? I am certainly not happy now. Was I friendly back then? Did I have friends? I don’t really have friends now. Sure, I have a handful. Are there other people out there who have more friends than that? Not acquaintances. Real friends. What is your friend status? Please share. I would like to know. Am I the only mutant out there?

I believe we can wear ourselves down to a frazzle. That is what has happened to me. I am so tired and overwhelmed with my caregiving responsibilities that I have turned into a mean, wicked, and hateful woman. I don’t even know who I am anymore.

You will find spiritual leaders who talk about the world taking up all your time, separating you from God. Often, they will mention your kids’ extracurricular hobbies like sports. Working two jobs. Your own personal hobbies. Your desire to go to the movies, out with friends, or anything that distracts you from your time with God. All of these can deceive you into surrendering your prayer time, Bible study time, and going to church on a regular basis (be it internet or in person, a whole other topic).

But there is another type of activity that can lead you away from God, caregiving. In fact, it can take you away from everything. Caregiving can affect your work, your social life, your private time, and your time with God.

Please hear me, caregiving is a very noble thing. Its an important thing. It is biblical as we are to care for our parents and family. But it can also become a life sucking thing. That sounds harsh doesn’t it. But it can take everything that you have out of you. Leaving you a shell of who you once were. Leaving you full of resentment and anger. Tired, worn, and weary. So, what is a person, a caregiver to do?

To start, let’s look at the life of Jesus. If anyone had the life sucked out of him, it was Jesus. Don’t believe me? Look at the lady who touched the hem of His robe. He felt the power leave Him. Jesus was full of power, and He felt it go. I have to say, when you think about it, that is pretty awesome. Imagine being Jesus and feeling power leave your body. Now, imagine being the woman and what she may have experienced.

Jesus took time to recharge. He left the crowds and His disciples, and He went off to pray. He spent time alone with His Father and creation. He took the time to replenish Himself. That should be enough for us to do the same thing right? But do we? No. We just keep going like we are the Energizer bunny. But we are not Energizer bunnies. We are human and we are mortal.

I am so guilty of constantly going on, and on, and on. Then I find myself angry, worn, and tired. Here I have the most opportune experience of my life, caring for my parents in their final years and I am too tired to enjoy it.

I am angry over the situation and angry that I no longer know how to experience happiness. I am everything to my parents but a daughter. I don’t even know how to be a daughter anymore. Can anyone share with me on how to do that?

I really do not like who I have become. I long to be the person I was in years past and I can’t even remember who that person was. Heck, I would just like to go back to when we were all healthy and living normal lives. You know, they don’t teach any of this in school. Maybe if they did, we would be more prepared and appreciate things more. But then again, we were young and thought we knew everything, right?

So, where do I go from here? Where does anyone go who is experiencing this in their life? I can’t be alone. What happens when you don’t like yourself anymore?

Some of you may be jumping out of your skin saying, it’s a sin! It’s a sin to not like yourself! Your made in the image of God! Well, get over yourselves. There are a lot of us out here hurting for a lot of reasons. What really matters is that I have identified it. I have a core issue to work on just like a lot of people out there who have not either realized it or are in denial.

Let me say something flat out. It is okay to say that you do not like yourself. I will say it. I do not like myself at this point in my life. It’s bad enough that I have anger and authority issues but I do not like what I have become. But if you are going to say that you do not like yourself, you don’t just leave it there. We have to put ourselves on a path that leads to positive change. It won’t be easy. It won’t be quick. It just has to happen.

So, what does that path look like for me? First, I need to spend some time in prayer, deep and fervent prayer. I need to rediscover who I am in God’s eyes. Anyone can say they are a child of God (at least those who have accepted Jesus as their savior) but it must go deeper than just saying it. It is a belief. It is an acceptance in oneself that they are loved and are God’s child.

I need to make some deliberate changes in my life. I must carve out some down time for me. I need to examine my life now and decide what can be changed or removed; allowing me to breathe. The hardest thing is to rediscover my role as daughter and not nurse, cook, maid, chauffer, advocate, etc. This will definitely be the biggest challenge as I know what it is like to be all these things. I don’t know what it is like to be an adult daughter. Maybe someone can share some insights and examples with me?

If you are finding yourself in the same situation or are identifying with me in other ways, remember, the process will be different for everyone. Mine is not an exhaustive list, just the beginning of my journey back into the arms of my Father. But start with prayer. Everything always needs to start with prayer. A nap would help too. Anything that refreshes your body, mind, and soul.

Peace,

Janet